I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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