i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
