and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
