The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
