When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
