U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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