everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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