Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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