just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
