You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
