I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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