I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
