It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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