This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
