i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
