The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
