somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Who died my cat blue again?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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