i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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