i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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