ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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