If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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