I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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