high people should be assigned attendants
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
