my mouth tastes like poor choices
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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