Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize