Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
