Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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