I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
