I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
