i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
