My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
