Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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