How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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