My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
