I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
