At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
