I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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