Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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