sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
