I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Pooping to opera.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
