My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
