Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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