And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
