can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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