and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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