You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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