How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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