I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
