I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
is that a dick in a sweater?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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