if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
