respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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