i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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