I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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