I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
