He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
