i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
